- Model maintaining emotional control in the classroom. Respond to accidents, disappointments, and conflict calmly. Talk with students about your feelings using “I feel” statements such as, “Thomas, when you sprayed Aiden with your water bottle, I felt angry and frustrated. I feel like you don’t care about the art lesson we are doing, and that makes me sad.”
- Offer students the chance to make amends. Adhere to principles of restorative justice, where students are responsible for correcting the harm caused, regardless of intent. “Thomas, would you get the paper towels and wipe up the water from the desks and floor. It is not right to make a mess for our custodian to clean up.”
- Teach conflict resolution skills, such as observing and empathizing. “Thomas, I see that Aiden’s face is red and that he is crying. What might he be feeling?” Use what you observe to guide students to read facial expressions and body language. Keep your tone soft and inquisitive; don’t berate or belittle, because children may yet need to develop the ability to be empathetic to others, but they can understand angry tones or sarcasm. I’ve found that asking, “Why did you do that?” is unproductive. It asks for a reasonable answer when there may not be one. A child will answer, “I don’t know,” truthfully or because they want to avoid the public embarrassment of wanting to cause harm to another person, or the child will respond with, “They did … to me!” The latter response is the child denying responsibility for their own actions.
- Teach students how to apologize. “I’m sorry that I splashed water on you Aiden.” You can’t demand an apology from the child; an apology under compulsion teaches children to be insincere in their words, and will not reflect a change in future behavior. Addressing situations that emerge in the classroom between students creates a culture where children care for each other, and see pro-social ways of resolving conflict.
- Teach students how to accept an apology. The most common response that children give is, “It’s okay.” Perhaps I’m I stickler, but responding that it’s okay conveys the idea that the accident or incident was trivial, and that the apology and resolution may not have been necessary – which is far from the truth. There are no trivial situations or conflicts in which the harm to others does not matter. I teach students to say, “I forgive you,” instead, with an explanation about how forgiveness is a gift, not earned and not deserved, that says, “I know that you did something wrong, but I choose not to hold it against you.” Forgiveness is the principle on which friendships hinge, and also opens up freedom to move on when a child refuses to apologize.
- Use social stories where children can learn from the conflicts and problems of characters. Talk about what they might do which would be different. Brainstorm solutions that they might try before you read what the character does. Build empathy for the character by guessing why they might make the choices they do. This is a vital skill because in conflict our default response when we have failed to meet expectations is that it was situational and obstacles kept us from fulfilling obligations, but if someone else fails to meet our expectations, we attribute it to character flaws, such as their deliberate desire to hurt us or their uncaring nature.
- Point out how students have gained new skills through persistence or challenge. The great lie adopted by many children is that we have innate abilities and that situations in which we struggle or fail should be avoided. The fixed mindset of avoiding challenge is overturned by recognition that there are many things that we have learned to do over the course of our lives. If a child obstinately argues that they haven’t learned anything, you can cheerfully point out that they weren’t born able to walk or talk! They learned those skills gradually and look at them now!
- Recognize effort and achievement within the classroom. Effort and achievement must co-exist in an honest learning community. Don’t recognize a child for haphazard or slovenly work. Be genuine in recognizing when a child does something better than they could before. In celebrating the accomplishments of others, we create a culture where children can be happy in the success of another person and not feel that another person’s success impedes their own ability to learn. We create culture through what we tolerate and what we celebrate; we have a lot of expertise in creating classroom rules, but sometimes forget how to celebrate individual success. The celebrations are fuel for children’s desire to do well, and then once we have built their will, we can build their skill.
